The Sun is a Decieving Little Monster

It's been a couple of days since I blogger, I mean a long time since I blogged, considering I used to blog everyday, sometimes twice. Lately I've been really daydreaming about what life could be without my boyfriend. Seriously considering it. I've always considered it, always but I always end up at someone's house not wanting to be there and just laying around until he calls to get me to come back. I don't really like that. In fact, that's probably the most terrible thing.

So, I want to go back to school. I mean really go back to school. Get my education on and study Education again. This time though, I want a different adviser someone that's actually going to get me to the classes that I need and enjoy. I want a double minor in Social Sciences & Political Science. With of course the Major being in Secondary Education with an emphasis in History. Of course, this is a lot of work. It's going to be a lot. A ton!

I have two children, suffer from depression, and douche would make up any kind of story just to make me suffer a little more than I need to be. But, I know I could do it. First, I know I would need some kind of job to make payments on my loans that I already have, that have finally been arranged to do some good in life, if I only made the payments. I know that if I made payments, then I could get some more money from FAFSA to go to school, and then I would be fine! But, it's easier said than done. Along with the job I would need at least a two bedroom apartment, and you know how expensive that can be in a college town. I would need at least a 30 hour a week job, daycare for my little ones during school & work. I would need to have furniture, beds for all three of us, my license back and current plates on my car. That's a lot, but if I just start off on the first step...which is actually attempt to get along with douche, so I can have a decent place to stay for awhile, then I should be fine.

That's the problem too, my depression and my trains of thoughts are not optimistic. The are often more times than not pessimistic. Instead of just thinking, "okay, first JOB!" Then have the job and do the job for awhile and not think about money, school, and all the other things that go along with a job. And just focus on my job. Then slowly think of the other things. Instead, I think if I have a job, then I have to pay it all back into bills and I'll never have a place to live because I won't have money, because I have to pay tickets back, and I have to close all of my previous accounts that are way more in the red than need be, and I really need a decent place without bugs, and that's going to be so expensive, and I don't know about douche is he going to try to pull some kind of stunt on me?

Where did that come from? I don't know, it's basically how I think. How's that for a train of thought? This is basically how I think. Seriously. It's not a basic thought that will be solved by just a magic equation. It's a train of thoughts that bug and bring me down. So, then I feel trapped and depressed and then you know what...there's where it all starts. It's a bit big for me to deal with a lot, and don't get me wrong I'm trying.

This week in Wisconsin the sun is out, the snow is gone, and there is little wind. That sounds great doesn't it? Oh what nice weather we're having! NOT! The high today is for 46 degrees. FORTY SIX! That's flipping freezing. In the last couple of weeks we've had: 60+ degree weather, snow, wind, & rain. HONEST! That's terrible. So, when Kayden saw the snow he knew it was a no go. Then it got super nice, and it was nice and warm, shorts and long sleeved t-shirt weather, brats on the grill, drinking in the backyard weather. Classic Wisconsin people, and yes I eat tons of cheese. So, then it snows and it's all cold and yucky gross. But, then of course the sun finally comes out and Kayden thinks it's all nice and wonderful. He wants to go outside. Outside he tells me. So, he gets dressed and I have to put his WINTER! coat on him and he wonders why. Only then 15 minutes after he's outside does he come in rosy cheeked and cold that he tells me he no longer wants to be out there.