I Found IT!

There's so much to talk about! First, it's a nice day, and the children and I went for a walk.

Anyways! So, this morning I called my beloved friend, well one of my only friends, but anyways I called her! I was so excited to call her! Always an exciting time. So were talking about Facebook, always one of my dear friends, and how Allie had posted a new blog. So, I was like, "hey check out my blog."

To make a short story long: My senior year/half of my freshman year in college I blogged religiously like 1-4 blogs a day depending on the day. And it's gone missing since December of 2005. A LONG TIME! I thought it was for sure gone into the digital depths of the internet. Only it wasn't it was here in the world and longing to be found. Of course, after a little work and some email addresses some change of password and TA DA! It was here. The entire story of my life. THE WHOLE THING! I couldn't believe it. This long forgotten thing was here and there and everywhere. 531 posts of my life that I had missed and cherished and couldn't wait to get back to.

So, while I was on the phone with my friend I was finding my blog. We read it from the beginning surfing through memories that made us laugh, and question my popularity in high school wondering where this weird stuff came from.

I'm very happy I've found this older blog of mine and I'm going to relive moments of reading it and laughing, hopefully not crying because I'm very prone to that.

I was looking back on it and I thought about my life and how much I've changed. I was geared up to go to college. I was looking to become a history teacher and pass my love of learning onto someone else. I was excited to show the world what I was and who I was becoming.

It didn't happen that way. In fact, it was kind of a lousy start to finish college career. It is slightly hard to deal with every now and again. But, happily I have two children that I love and adore and wouldn't change one bit.

I look back on those posts and I really notice the depression coming out in some of them. I had no idea at the time that this was the problem. Only after I suffered from severe post postpartum depression was I medicated. It's kind strange looking back at some of those things and feeling dark and lonely, if I only knew then what it felt like and how to help it maybe things could have been different. I sometimes said that I suffered from depression, more of an excuse for my rotten behavior than anything. Never really believing it. There's no reason anymore to be embarrassed by it, because I know it's something I live with.

My medication now is amazing. It actually helps me see the world in a different light. No longer am I upset about little things. I don't give up as easily, and can concentrate easier and for a longer time. The bedroom is no longer my favorite place. I don't feel like a failure most days, and it's easier to see the light of things rather than make a big deal out of nothing.

It sneaks up on me sometimes, and those are the worst feelings. It's hard, but I'm getting the hang of it and maybe one day things will be a little brighter all the time.