Bloggin' On The Weekends

I'm seriously addicted to Hyperbole & A Half like seriously addicted. I've been reading her posts from like now until 4 months ago.

I would love to be a blogger like that, but my life just doesn't seem to be as exciting.


What I think is totally funny though: my boyfriend has been trying to get me to move to Montana for about ever! No, really though it's been about 1.5 years, so yeah a long time. He wants to move out there and be someone and enjoy the mountains and the hunting of the elk and the bears, and the rest of those crazy wild animals.

My argument? Our dog will get eaten by a bear or some other wild animal. I don't want to have to pay someone to dig us a well, when here we have city water that just flows freely! If I had a cellphone I would actually like some service.

My biggest thing though: There's no people out there! Seriously!

Well, now you see, that cool chick that writes Hyperbole lives out there. Weird stalkerish yes, but maybe I could have a cool friend or something. I'll think about it.

So, Bill's working a double to cure himself of his mid-life crisis and when I say crisis it is a crisis. He need a motorcycle, or an RV, or a new vehicle or something or other. It's getting kind of old, seriously old. Just get your stupid bike and be done with it. I really hope this cures him of his pissy attitude and just makes him a more pleasant person, but I highly doubt that. We can only hope.

The Sun is a Decieving Little Monster

It's been a couple of days since I blogger, I mean a long time since I blogged, considering I used to blog everyday, sometimes twice. Lately I've been really daydreaming about what life could be without my boyfriend. Seriously considering it. I've always considered it, always but I always end up at someone's house not wanting to be there and just laying around until he calls to get me to come back. I don't really like that. In fact, that's probably the most terrible thing.

So, I want to go back to school. I mean really go back to school. Get my education on and study Education again. This time though, I want a different adviser someone that's actually going to get me to the classes that I need and enjoy. I want a double minor in Social Sciences & Political Science. With of course the Major being in Secondary Education with an emphasis in History. Of course, this is a lot of work. It's going to be a lot. A ton!

I have two children, suffer from depression, and douche would make up any kind of story just to make me suffer a little more than I need to be. But, I know I could do it. First, I know I would need some kind of job to make payments on my loans that I already have, that have finally been arranged to do some good in life, if I only made the payments. I know that if I made payments, then I could get some more money from FAFSA to go to school, and then I would be fine! But, it's easier said than done. Along with the job I would need at least a two bedroom apartment, and you know how expensive that can be in a college town. I would need at least a 30 hour a week job, daycare for my little ones during school & work. I would need to have furniture, beds for all three of us, my license back and current plates on my car. That's a lot, but if I just start off on the first step...which is actually attempt to get along with douche, so I can have a decent place to stay for awhile, then I should be fine.

That's the problem too, my depression and my trains of thoughts are not optimistic. The are often more times than not pessimistic. Instead of just thinking, "okay, first JOB!" Then have the job and do the job for awhile and not think about money, school, and all the other things that go along with a job. And just focus on my job. Then slowly think of the other things. Instead, I think if I have a job, then I have to pay it all back into bills and I'll never have a place to live because I won't have money, because I have to pay tickets back, and I have to close all of my previous accounts that are way more in the red than need be, and I really need a decent place without bugs, and that's going to be so expensive, and I don't know about douche is he going to try to pull some kind of stunt on me?

Where did that come from? I don't know, it's basically how I think. How's that for a train of thought? This is basically how I think. Seriously. It's not a basic thought that will be solved by just a magic equation. It's a train of thoughts that bug and bring me down. So, then I feel trapped and depressed and then you know what...there's where it all starts. It's a bit big for me to deal with a lot, and don't get me wrong I'm trying.

This week in Wisconsin the sun is out, the snow is gone, and there is little wind. That sounds great doesn't it? Oh what nice weather we're having! NOT! The high today is for 46 degrees. FORTY SIX! That's flipping freezing. In the last couple of weeks we've had: 60+ degree weather, snow, wind, & rain. HONEST! That's terrible. So, when Kayden saw the snow he knew it was a no go. Then it got super nice, and it was nice and warm, shorts and long sleeved t-shirt weather, brats on the grill, drinking in the backyard weather. Classic Wisconsin people, and yes I eat tons of cheese. So, then it snows and it's all cold and yucky gross. But, then of course the sun finally comes out and Kayden thinks it's all nice and wonderful. He wants to go outside. Outside he tells me. So, he gets dressed and I have to put his WINTER! coat on him and he wonders why. Only then 15 minutes after he's outside does he come in rosy cheeked and cold that he tells me he no longer wants to be out there.

I Found IT!

There's so much to talk about! First, it's a nice day, and the children and I went for a walk.

Anyways! So, this morning I called my beloved friend, well one of my only friends, but anyways I called her! I was so excited to call her! Always an exciting time. So were talking about Facebook, always one of my dear friends, and how Allie had posted a new blog. So, I was like, "hey check out my blog."

To make a short story long: My senior year/half of my freshman year in college I blogged religiously like 1-4 blogs a day depending on the day. And it's gone missing since December of 2005. A LONG TIME! I thought it was for sure gone into the digital depths of the internet. Only it wasn't it was here in the world and longing to be found. Of course, after a little work and some email addresses some change of password and TA DA! It was here. The entire story of my life. THE WHOLE THING! I couldn't believe it. This long forgotten thing was here and there and everywhere. 531 posts of my life that I had missed and cherished and couldn't wait to get back to.

So, while I was on the phone with my friend I was finding my blog. We read it from the beginning surfing through memories that made us laugh, and question my popularity in high school wondering where this weird stuff came from.

I'm very happy I've found this older blog of mine and I'm going to relive moments of reading it and laughing, hopefully not crying because I'm very prone to that.

I was looking back on it and I thought about my life and how much I've changed. I was geared up to go to college. I was looking to become a history teacher and pass my love of learning onto someone else. I was excited to show the world what I was and who I was becoming.

It didn't happen that way. In fact, it was kind of a lousy start to finish college career. It is slightly hard to deal with every now and again. But, happily I have two children that I love and adore and wouldn't change one bit.

I look back on those posts and I really notice the depression coming out in some of them. I had no idea at the time that this was the problem. Only after I suffered from severe post postpartum depression was I medicated. It's kind strange looking back at some of those things and feeling dark and lonely, if I only knew then what it felt like and how to help it maybe things could have been different. I sometimes said that I suffered from depression, more of an excuse for my rotten behavior than anything. Never really believing it. There's no reason anymore to be embarrassed by it, because I know it's something I live with.

My medication now is amazing. It actually helps me see the world in a different light. No longer am I upset about little things. I don't give up as easily, and can concentrate easier and for a longer time. The bedroom is no longer my favorite place. I don't feel like a failure most days, and it's easier to see the light of things rather than make a big deal out of nothing.

It sneaks up on me sometimes, and those are the worst feelings. It's hard, but I'm getting the hang of it and maybe one day things will be a little brighter all the time.

I Told You On The Phone

After I wrote my last post I cleaned the house. Fed the children & put them to naps. Well tried.

Kaylie feels like crap. Seriously, crap. She's not happy with anything. It could have to do with her molars coming in, but what's new? She's a little more than one and already eating steak. Which is really cool.

So, I lay her down and Kayden doesn't want to take a nap. Never does he want to take a nap, unless it's with his dad...and he's always at work. Or at home hungover, but that's for another day.

He was watching Spongebob Squarepants which completely and utterly destroys brain cells. I watched it and I felt as if I lost several IQ points. Seriously. Anyways, he gets his bottle, which again saving for another day. And goes to bed! I couldn't believe it. Climbs right into my bed, again another day. And decides to go to sleep, until

"I be right back." This should alert any mother. It's just like, "I'm thirsty" only the culprit actually climbs out of bed and decides to go get something. It might be a cup it could be his entire wardrobe shoved into a laundry basket. You just never know.

I'll edit this more. Kaylie is having some sort of meltdown regarding her ears, teeth, and what may be in her diaper.

Starting

I want to be a famous blogger. I read funny blogs everyday & have been a blogger for years. Okay, so back in high school I blogged about drama, friends, and more drama. What's new there?

Now I have two children, a dog, and a somewhat steady boyfriend. I live in the capital of Wisonsin. It appears my life is almost perfect, if only things were a tad different.

Sleeping in results at waking up at 8am in the morning, if I'm lucky.

Staying at home with my children is my primary employment, if you call it that because the pay is pretty shitty.

My daughter is one and a couple of months, my son is 2 1/2 and since he started talking 9 months ago my life has come into something amazing.

I wish I could say my life is pretty exciting, but pretty much not. It consists of inside jokes, Disney Channel, & Nick Jr. Along with some Food Network & the nightly ritual of supper, bath, & Wheel of Fortune.

My social life is anything but, having 1 steady great friend, my brothers, mom & gram. It's pretty much the daily life of everything bundled into one.

My son is leaving right now to venture underneath the table to terrorize the dog...what's new there? The dog is getting smart enough to run away.

I wish I could say more right now, but when something pops up I'm sure I'll get back to this.




I want to do this forever, writing and laughing. Enjoying myself. It's what's important to me.